


how can i say

by humaling (orphan_account)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, i dont know what to tag its just angst uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 03:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/humaling
Summary: it turns out there was never a need to tell him how he felt. in the end, the flowers have told him enough.





	how can i say

changbin doesn’t know when it happens.

he doesn’t know when the butterflies stopped fluttering whenever he saw felix; doesn’t know when sparks stopped flying at the feeling of his warm touch or his soft kisses. he doesn’t know when his heart stopped beating in time with felix’s, and he doesn’t know how to bring it all back.

it’s horrible, _horrible,_ holding felix’s hand and forcing a wide smile on when in reality he would rather be anywhere else but _with his own lover._

the guilt settles deep in changbin’s heart where love used to be, and when he looks into felix’s bright eyes it feels like the world itself is mocking his life.

it’s not fair – not just to him, but to felix himself, because felix lee is the purest boy changbin’s ever met, and it hurts to lead hm on like this, let him believe that his love is still completely requited and that changbin’s smiles are as genuine as ever. he wants so badly to tell felix _enough_ , but he thinks of tears in those eyes and it makes him hate himself even more, because he still cares for the boy, still loves him – it’s just that it’s _not enough, it’s not the love felix thinks it is, not anymore._

when felix settles against his chest and mumbles sleepy confessions against his hoodie, wrapping their arms around each other – one tighter than the other – it’s all changbin can do not to break down and sob for the boy’s forgiveness, because even as changbin mumbles _i love you, too’_ s, he knows, deep down, that it’s already over, even if felix doesn’t.

changbin hates himself _so much_ for it, and he could only wish felix does, too.

(he knows, in his heart, that felix wouldn’t hate him – he’s too soft, too forgiving, _too loving_ , and it makes it all worse.)

 

changbin hates that he can only breathe when he goes out and leaves felix’s side, that he finds his own boyfriend’s presence _suffocating._ he finds himself going to woojin’s, his feet moving quicker than he can think, finds himself tearing apart at the older man’s doorstep.

woojin takes one look at him and figures it all out.

“what do you plan to do about it?” asks woojin, settling across from changbin in the living room as changbin curls up on the other side, swollen face buried in his hands.

“i don’t know,” he answers raspily, honestly. woojin frowns.

“you can’t do this to him,” woojin says, and changbin knows, he _knows_ , but he just can’t bring himself to break felix’s heart when the other trusted him so much with it.

( _don’t you think it’s a bit too late for that, changbin?_ he thinks, and he wants to laugh at the mess he’s made.)

he barely catches woojin say, “you have to tell him, changbin.”

“ _no_ ,” changbin pleades – with whom, he doesn’t even know anymore. “i _can’t_ , hyung, he’s still so in love with me and – _god,_ hyung, i just _can’t_ , i don’t know what to do.”

woojin shakes his head, looks at him with pity in his eyes, “i understand where you’re coming from, but he doesn’t deserve this, changbin,” he leans forward, meeting changbin’s eyes, “he doesn’t deserve this and neither do you.”

( _it won’t end well whatever you do,_ woojin’s eyes say. changbin wants to badly to prove him wrong, but he knows it’s the truth.)

 

felix greets him with a warm smile when he gets home, sitting on the sofa with his laptop open and his eyes tired. changbin frowns.

“binnie hyung!” felix says, voice a little rougher thtan usual, putting away his laptop and jumping up to hug him. his embrace is too familiar and too foreign at the same time, and it makes changbin’s heart fall. “i missed you.”

“hey,” he greets, giving the younger a small smile when he pulls away. “missed you too, lix.” the words taste like bitter coffee on his tongue, but he keeps smiling anyway. “you look tired.”

“i, uh,” felix glances at the laptop on the table, “i’ve been working on an essay all day, sooo…” he laughs lowly, and changbin shakes his head.

“you should rest,” he murmurs, holding felix’s hand in his. it’s strange, holding hands without feeling affection bubbling up. “you’re doing well.”

felix sighs above him, and when changbin looks, he’s smiling tiredly, too. “i will, hyung, just a little more – ”

changbin shushes him and forces felix to eat, change, forces him into bed with changbin’s hands combing through his hair, and when felix falls asleep with the barest smile on his lips, changbin leaves and locks himself in the bathroom where he watches a single tear drop from his eyes in the mirror, hating himself for leading felix on so easily.

( _how can i tell you when you’re still so happy with me?_ )

there’s a small bundle of daffodils resting daintily in the vase when he comes home some days later, a note taped to the fridge reading “ _i’ll be out a little late at the library tonight, i love you bin hyung :) – felix_ ” and coffee still warm in their broken machine. it’s a little too sweet, just like felix, but changbin takes it with a bitter smile, knuckles white with how tightly he holds his mug.

 

the next week, felix comes home looking even worse, and changbin hates that felix only smiles brightly at him and brushes it all off, saying he’ll be okay, _it’s only for now, hyung, don’t worry._

“i might stay over jisung’s this weekend, by the way, hyung,” felix says as changbin tears his eyes away from the screen of his own laptop. “we’re working on a project together.”

“oh, sure,” changbin agrees easily, “make sure you take care, yeah?”

he hates that there’s a small part of him looking forward to felix leaving for the weekend, but he does anyway. there are flowers bundled on the coffee table again, a mix of sunshine coloured chrysanthemums and the soft white daffodils, and a pink note saying _take care binnie hyung, don’t miss me too much!_

changbin hates that he won’t.

 

the daffodils have become a regular thing to wake up or come home to by the next week, present in place of felix whose projects have seemingly piled up based on the way he spends more time in the library or at uni. changbin takes the chance to busy himself with his own work and music and tries to act as if their relationship is still normal (as far as felix knows, it is).

he doesn’t think much of the flowers until he mentions it to woojin and his hyung pales.

“changbin,” woojin says, slowly, “do you know that daffodils stand for unrequited love?”

there’s an ominous feeling rising up changbin’s throat as he answers, “no, i didn’t.”

“do you know where he bought those flowers?” woojin asks again, and changbin’s got an inkling of what woojin’s implying.

“that’s impossible,” he breathes out, already moving towards the door, but woojin stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“what are you going to do, changbin?” woojin asks, and there’s a dark colour to his voice that makes changbin feel even more miserable. “what can you do?”

“hyung, if felix – ” changbin’s voice shakes as bad as his hands. “god, hyung, what have i done?”

 

it turns out there was never a need to tell felix how he felt when he finds the boy in the bathroom, head tossed against the wall and soft white petals blanketed over his skin. in the end, the flowers have told him enough.

 

( _why didn’t you tell me?_

 _hyung, why didn’t_ you?)

**Author's Note:**

> me: stop hurting my son in fics 2k18  
> also me: writes This
> 
> evidently ive been listening to too much day6
> 
> I SWEAR ILL MAKE UP FOR MY LACK OF GOOD WRITING i have an au coming up for 00line so uwu
> 
> pls maybe leave ur thoughts behind if u wanna!!  
> [yell with/talk to me on twt](https://twitter.com/allforseungmin) or [talk to me thru cc](https://curiouscat.me/0922)


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